While driving home today, I saw a family screaming themselves red in the face beside a broken down car. Amidst all the arguing and foul gestures, the dad slowly turned away and walked right into traffic. And I thought to myself, as he hit my fender and crumpled beneath my car, "Damn, this guy's got it all figured out."

***

If life gives you lemons, you look life right in her cold, dead, bitch eyes and say… "Do lemons ferment? And if so… Hey life, thanks."

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I kicked over an anthill the other day and it was filled with lizards. As they screamed at me, stacking and climbing on top of each other, becoming a quivering uniform mass of leathery hide, unblinking gelatin eyes and tongue that dripped like a icee pop in the sun, I slowly began to realize that my son clearly put something in my coffee to punish me for punishing him for one reason or another. And I thought to myself, "How do I play this? If I thank him, he may never do it again. And I don't have anything this strong in MY medicine cabinet…"

***

Sometimes the only way to put out a fire, is by starting a much, much larger fire somewhere else while no one's looking.

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I once saw a sewer rat eat a 6 foot tall pile of concrete rubble and immediately poop out a tiny, tiny little brick. It weighed a good 45 pounds. I vowed then and there never to set foot in a sewer again. The next time I was in a sewer, an alligator bit the arm off my jacket. My lucky sewer jacket!

***

When life's got you by the balls, sometimes you have sit back and think, "Well, at least someone's touching my balls." And that's a pretty good feeling, no matter how much debt you're in.

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How do I get me one of them fancy robot arms that all those new veterans get?